Even when its perfect, It isnt. Love is heartbreak. Being everything isnt enough. Being nothing is too much. Dont go with or against your gut. ignore it. Nothing ever happens.

Up and down, and around she goes, where she stops nobody knows.

Do not sleep or wake up, because either way you will be missing out. All you can do is lose. Do not have hope or faith, or believe in anything. You will be dissapointed. Life is not the stories you were told as a child. There is no black and white. There is no grey. Everything is a void. Meaningless and empty.

The only thing I have ever been good at is lying about myself to others.

"How are you?"
"I'm doing pretty good"

Lies answer the questions where honesty would never be enough.

I lose myself within the distortions of reality that I create. The truth is too hard for me to deal with. It is far easier to believe the lies.

The truth is painfull, and boring. My own private anguish is little and insignificant.

Why cant I take responsibility for creating the meaning of my own life. I don't know why I must define myself by others perception of me.

Am I really me? or am I the lies I tell? Probably neither.

I feel an unending ennui.

I had a dream today today where I went to this library to meet up with Jen and my mother... when I got there they were sitting in a circle with some strangers. there was some sort of public speaking exercise going on, and the person leading the group forced me to participate.

she told me I was going to have to tell a made up story about being in a bank robbery. She then told me I had 5 minutes to ask people in the circle about what was going on in the bank, to get ideas.

I kept protesting that I didn't want to.. and I could feel pressure building up inside of me. until... my teeth started shattering, and I started screaming. and nobody would help me... I finally called over the person leading the exercise.... meanwhile chunks of teeth are flying out of my mouth from the pressure. The person slowly walked me over to a phone, and I made her call a doctor.

She finally gets on the line with the doctors office... but she starts talking about another person... while my mouth becomes more and more painful.... and then I woke up.

This dream was very vivid... and very scary.... I am super freaked out.

Day 2 of the X-Files Marathon.

E.B.E is an excellent episode.

Deep throat, Lone Gunmen, Chris Carter. Cant ask for much more.

7 hours into my 16 hour shift.

Monday being the start of my last week with my old job. Looking forward to next week. I can see the nothing I'm going to be doing.

I have seen more cocks today than any strait man should ever have to.

So many profiles... I don't know if my coworker is doing anything.

I have gone through 2000 profiles already today. 7 hours down, 9 hours to go.

16 hours is a long day.

Only another week, and I will be done my other job, which will allow me to have my full 5 days off a week.

I am still getting used to writing. It will take much more before I feel comfortable again.

Drinking, and croquet. Laughing, smiles, smoking, sitting, drinking.

That is all that is known.

Tired. Sleep. Work. Tomorrow.

Too tired to be coherent.

Not looking forward to a 16 hour shift.

I have deleted all of my words.

Blank slate.

Don't mistake this for a rebirth. This is simply me restarting an old rut.

It has been so long since I have written anything. The words, and sentences do not come easy. It is like me trying to open a beer using my forearm as the bottle opener. Painful, and futile.

4 years of LJ. Not much has changed in my life. Same problems, new faces. The only difference is that I am more sure of myself. I know who I am, and what I want, but I still do not know how I am going to get it.

I start a new job on Saturday. Luckily it is an old job. I will know what to do, and there is no anxiety.